One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
