It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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