wanna go halves on a baby?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
