i was born a porn star she said
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
