I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
