sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You need a sexual gate keeper
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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