Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
