i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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