He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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