i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
