New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
We got so high we made milksteak
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we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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