you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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