No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
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Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
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You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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