On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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