Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
