He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
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He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
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Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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