I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
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clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
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and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?