Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
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Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
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I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.