i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Never joke about your clitoris.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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