he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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