I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
