I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
