You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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