My sheets look like a crime scene.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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