What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
