now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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