I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
did i just pee glitter
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