Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
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I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
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Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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