i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
So apparently I’m into choking now
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
