guys are not supposed to queef...right?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
