Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
