I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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