My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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