What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
