Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
