My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Randomize
