I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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