the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
