I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
