I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
