No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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