i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
