You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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