he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
