What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
