Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
