guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
