It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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