I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just found a bag of teeth...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
