Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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