Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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