he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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