I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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