you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
where am i from again
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
