mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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