Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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