I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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